Going back to work...

As many of you know, in one week and 6 days I am starting a new part-time job in the graduate studies department at North Dakota State University! This is both very exciting and very, very scary for me. I will say that the number one reason that I'm going back to work is not for myself, and definitely not for Sophia, but it's for Travis. Travis is having a hard time accepting the bond that has forged between myself and Sophia, but has yet to form between him and Sophia. He readily admits that he has pressured me to go back to work because he's sensitive about our family dynamic. There's really no way to say that without it sounding a little selfish of Travis, and maybe there is a little selfishness involved, but I think mostly it's just an example of what an incredible family man Travis is: He is a completely hands-on dad and wants to share in the work and joy of parenting! He is so strongly attached to our little girl and gives 100% of himself to her at all times, and I think it's just a rare and wonderful thing. Travis wants us to be on more equal ground, with both of us working and spending one-on-one time with our daughter and then family time when we're all together. Here are two thoughts on that topic:
1. I was looking forward to having a child because I thought that finally I would experience ultimate love, but I forgot that I would be sharing that love. I can't expect Sophia to love me best her whole life because she has a dad who loves her too!
2. I love Travis best. This sounds terrible, but I have some very good reasons for it: 1. Travis and I choose to love each other, we're not "obligated" by family connection. 2. After Sophia is grown up and goes away to have her own family, who will I spend the rest of my life with?
I am making some important discoveries about love and family!
But I digress. I meant to write more about going back to work.

A list of reasons why I'm excited to go back to work:
1. I can rejoin the world of adults! I can have adult conversations again!
2. Independence...I'll be able to have a bit of a life of my own, and a few hours every day when I'm not spending every moment responding to someone else.
3. I'm moving forward with my life! I have been wanting to work at NDSU since I moved to MN because the benefits are great and I'm interested in graduate study there. Although this position is part-time and therefor I won't be eligible for reduced tuition or benefits, it's an ideal transition from being a stay-at-homer to a full-time worker (hopefully!)
4. I'm excited to try a new position, with new people. I enjoy learning new things, and am looking forward to the challenge of new work.
5. I'm looking forward to having a more balanced life, which includes some time for me, some time for Sophia, and some time for the whole family.

Reasons why I'm not so excited:
1. I'm giving up the most beautiful, wonderful time of my life. I believe that I will look back when I'm older and think that this time spent with my first child was the best time of my life.
2. There are so many things I'll miss, like nursing around the clock (yes! I'll miss it!), and being with Sophia when she wakes up for good (around 9:00) and is all smiles and silly. I'll miss living on such a natural and "real" schedule that revolves around the needs of my child.
3. How will I keep up with the house??? Seriously, I know that with this new job will come new stress, and, when my day already feels so packed, I'm a little nervous about spending a fifth of my day at work.
4. I'm nervous about starting a new job! I just hope that I do well, and that the benefits outweigh the stress.


Speaking of catering to the every whim of the tiniest person in my life...somebody's hungry!